If you want someone who will bring you

If you want someone willing to make a fool of

 himself simply over the joy of seeing you...

If you want someone who will eat whatever

 you put in front of him and

 never says it's not quite as good as his mother made...

If you want someone always

 willing to go out, at any hour, for

as long and wherever you want...

If you want someone who

 will never touch the remote, doesn't

 care about football, and

can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...

If you want someone who is content

to get up on your bed just

to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...

If you want someone who never criticises

what you do, doesn't care if

 you are pretty or ugly, fat or

thin, young or old, who acts as if every

 word you say is especially worthy of

 listening to , and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...

But, on the other hand, if you want

someone who will never come when

you call, ignores you totally when you come

home, leaves hair all over the place,

walks all over you, runs around all night

and only comes home to eat and sleep, and

 acts as if your entire existence

 is solely to ensure his happiness...

"Asking a working writer what he thinks

 about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs."